104: Embrace Yourself

Embrace Yourself

When Bai Ye came back from his meditation, the afternoon was already drawing to an end. I ran into him in the corridors just as the sun had slanted enough to fill the walkway with golden light, casting a long shadow of his figure as he passed.1

"Is everything alright?" I asked, noticing the tiredness at the corner of his eyes. He had been gone since noon. This was too much longer than his usual sessions.

He smiled. "It always takes some work to try out new techniques. Were you looking for me?"

"No … I mean, yes." I cursed at my awkward response silently—I didn't know how to properly express the idea of "I'm always looking for you because I'm always thinking about you". I brushed the shameless thought out of my mind. "Senior Wen came to invite me to a preparation trip for the Jade Temple. I agreed to it … they are leaving tomorrow at sunrise."

A tiny disappointment seemed to flash across his face, though he nodded quickly. "It's good to know your friends and foes alike. They usually choose one of the forests nearby for these trips. Make sure to pack everything you need."

The trace of reluctance in his tone that betrayed those encouraging words made my heart flutter a little. He didn't want to be separated from me any more than I did him. Hopefully, the trip would turn out short enough that I could be back to his side in no time.

"I've already packed my usual talismans and healing medicine," I said. "Should I bring a different sword as well? Or would it be alright to use Twin Stars on this trip?"

"It'll defeat the purpose of the trip if you don't use your usual weapons." He glanced at the swords on my belt. "When we get back from the Jade Temple, I'll forge a new pair for you that can be used as a replacement in situations like this. It's fine to use Twin Stars for now as long as you keep the number of killings under control. Too much blood will strengthen its power—not enough to fully awaken it, but enough to bring you more trouble than it already did."

Well, I certainly didn't want any more surprises from Twin Stars yet, not so shortly after things had finally returned to normal between us. Whatever power it had yet to unleash could wait. "I'll try not to kill anything," I said. I could intentionally miss the targets, which would work just fine for the purpose of this trip, as long as I was still showing my techniques to others.

He rubbed the top of my head and tousled my hair lightly. "No need to be too worried about it. If you want to be more sure, bring the fire jade I gave you at East Village. It will help without drawing blood."

My uneasiness must've looked too obvious, I realized. He was trying to comfort me, though he didn't know that it wasn't Twin Stars that was making me fidget. "There is … something else as well," I mumbled, unwilling to bring up the real, troubling topic. "Senior Wen also said that … a few masters will be discussing details regarding the trip at their hall tomorrow at noon. Her master … would like you to join them."

His hand stilled at the words. I lowered my head and bit my lips. Why did I have to be the one passing on the message? It felt as if I was pushing Bai Ye towards Su Nian with my own hands. Even though I knew the invitation wasn't for private matters at all, it still felt terrible.

Just as I thought he was going to nod his acknowledgment, I heard a light chuckle. "Do you not want me to go?" he asked softly.

Surprised and also embarrassed that he had put it so straightforwardly, I lowered my head even more. "I …" Of course I didn't, but did it matter what I thought? If it was a meeting of the masters on such a big trip, what position was I in to say anything against it?

But the next thing I felt was his hands cupping my cheeks. He lifted my face, making me look him in the eye. "If you don't want me to go, just say the word, and I won't."

The look in his eyes was serious, and the heat of his palm burned me. I stared at him, stunned. Even I knew that I was being unreasonably jealous—I simply couldn't help myself. Yet instead of telling me to be reasonable, he was indulging it to such an extent?

"I … but you should go," I made myself say. "This trip is important to all of us, and—"

"Do you not want me to?" he asked again.

"It doesn't matter—"

"It's all that matters." His unwavering gaze made the rest of my sentence freeze in my throat. "I don't care what anyone else wants or expects me to do, Qing-er. You are all that matters to me, and the last thing I'll do is something that hurts your feelings."

I hadn't expected this from him. As much as it thrilled me to hear it … reason told me that it wasn't right to let him give in to my selfish whims. "But it is your responsibility as a master," I insisted. "If you are the only one that doesn't show up …"

An eyebrow arched. "Are you sure everyone else will show up?" His lips curled. "Wen Shiyin told you 'a few masters' will be there, didn't she? How do you know how many? How do you know if any or all of them will conveniently not make it?"

"…"

I suddenly remembered Wen Shiyin's awkward expression when she passed the message to me. If this was really about the trip to Jade Temple, why would she feel so self-conscious about it? Was this actually Su Nian's excuse to … make Bai Ye visit her?

My guilt suddenly vanished at the thought, replaced by a small ire. If that was the case … Su Nian was a lot more cunning than I thought.

Bai Ye chuckled at my look. "Does that make you feel better now?" He brushed his lips softly over my forehead. "Are you still going to persuade me to accept the invitation?"

I felt my cheeks burn. I suppose I should've felt less ashamed of myself, now that he had proven to me that my jealousy wasn't as ungrounded as I thought, but the fact that he had seen so easily through my mind—and Su Nian's in that regard—only made me feel more embarrassed. I didn't want him to see my jealous side like this. "I'm not worried about you seeing her," I protested. Even though it was a complete lie.

He laughed softly and gathered me in his arms. "None of us are perfect, Qing-er." He planted another kiss on my cheek. "You are only human, and you shouldn't feel ashamed of being jealous, just like I don't feel ashamed of not caring what anyone else thinks is the right thing for me to do."

I was still letting those words sink into my mind when his lips started traveling further down. "Embrace all your feelings and desires," he whispered. "That's what makes you alive."

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