301: Feel Me

Feel Me

For a moment, the scenes of the past paused in front of my eyes. The chaos of voices hushed. I froze in shock, and everything in my mind froze along with me.0

He shouldn't be kissing me at a time like this … Did he not hear what I just said? Did he not realize what I might do to him if I lose control of my body to the sword spirit?

"Kill him!" the voice in my head shrieked, breaking the fleeting silence. "He's trying to distract you!"

I whimpered into his mouth as a full onslaught of memories overpowered me, ending my brief respite. This time, the sword spirit held nothing back, and there wasn't even order or reason behind what I was seeing anymore. Everything came at once. Blood and slaughters filled my vision. Curses and manic laughter deafened my ears. Darkness consumed me, and my hand barely hesitated when it raised Twin Stars some more, resting the tip of the blade against Bai Ye's chest.

I was losing control … All it would take was a slight push, and the sword would sink effortlessly into his heart. Why didn't he leave?

"Qing-er," he breathed against my lips. His fingers were still curled around my grip over the sword hilt, but he didn't try to push the blade away. He only rubbed the pad of his thumb slowly over my knuckles, the same way he always liked to do every time he held my hand. "Don't focus on the visions in your mind, Qing-er. Focus on me. Feel me, and remember me."

His voice was so calm, so full of love, without the slightest trace of doubt or fear. Parting my lips with his tongue, he deepened the kiss.

My consciousness was still adrift, thrashing wildly in the turbulent memories. But even so, the rest of me felt it. The fresh scent of cedar, the crisp taste of summer rain and morning herbs. The softness of his lips. The warmth of his touch when his hand slipped behind my nape, gently pulling me in.

This felt so familiar, as if I had experienced it hundreds and thousands of times already. But when? Had there been moments like this in my own memories? Memories that weren't part of what I was seeing right now?

As if on cue, a different scene flashed in front of my eyes, the serene quietness a sharp contrast to all the sights of carnage before. It was a summer evening, with the two of us under the plum tree by my room. "Would you believe me if I tell you … that my disciple wouldn't have been anyone else except you?" His voice echoed above the din in my ears, and he pulled me in, holding me just like the way he did now, kissing me just like the way he did now.

His scent, his taste, his touch … Everything from that vision coincided with the present, and for a moment, the memory became one with reality. The heavy weight on my mind lifted, replaced by an overwhelming sense of tenderness and love.

But that scene didn't last long. A shriek pierced through my head once more, and the sight of that snowy mountain top returned. "Don't be fooled by him!" the voice inside me screamed. "He betrayed you! Don't you dare forget that he betrayed you!"

A sharp pain tore through my head. I groaned, and my hand trembled, bringing the tip of Twin Stars further forward. But Bai Ye didn't pull away. He let go of my hand, leaving himself completely unguarded against the blade, and he looped that arm behind my back, gathering me closer.

The warmth of his embrace cradled me, anchored me. Another flash of vision came. This time, it was a rainy day, with the two of us at his old hall on the main peak. There was a half-written letter spread open on the desk in front of him, and he was holding me just like the way he did now, kissing me just like the way he did now. "You know I'd do anything for you," he whispered against my lips, and the longing in his voice was enough to prove how much he meant every word.

It felt so real … The love, the faith, the bond that we shared. A sea of emotions poured into me, and they grew, faster and fiercer than any hatred or pain I had felt before.

"No!!!" the voice in my head screeched again. "Don't trust him! He's lying to you! These visions are not real!!!"

But they were. With every inch of my being, I knew these memories were real, and these feelings were real. More pieces flooded back to me. The sword practices at his old hall, the cities and villages we visited over the decades. The patient lessons he taught me as I relearned my way with swords, the countless times he saved my life before I regained my power with Twin Stars. The blossoms we tied together onto the flower bridge on Seventh Sister Day, the lanterns we wished upon for Mid Autumn. The three thousand rituals where he sank the tip of my sword into his heart … The day when I broke through his seal into the meditation chamber, finding him on the brink of death …

Memories of two lifetimes interweaved with the other visions occupying my mind, but they didn't blend into each other. These ones were so much brighter, so much closer to my heart, and the emotions flowing through them felt so much more real. They bathed me in a new light, and slowly, I felt the darkness surrounding me starting to fade. Rays of light spilled through tiny seams that were beginning to crack through the black expanse above me, washing away all the grief and resentment, replacing them with love and hope.

"No! Impossible!" the voice in my head cried. "Impossible!!! You don't even know the spell I'm using! You can't possibly break it!"

I paid that voice no heed. Her tricks couldn't distract me any longer. Power surged into my consciousness, and with renewed strength, I summoned everything coursing through my body, letting all that reawakened force crash over the boundary of my mind. The grisly tendrils sprawling over the edges snapped. Like loose sand swept away by a torrent, every slightest trace of her presence dissipated, and with one last ear-piercing scream, the voice in my head was gone.

The darkness in front of me parted, leaving nothing but light.

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