268: Unspeakable Thoughts (Bai Ye's Memory)

Unspeakable Thoughts (Bai Ye's Memory)

The two of them had gone through plenty of arguments before, but none had led to an awkward silence that lasted as long as this one. Nor a troubled feeling as torturous as this one, which made Bai Ye fail to fall asleep for the first time in his life.0

He struggled to understand what was going on in his head. With all rational reasoning, he had to admit that what the sword spirit suggested wasn't impractical at all. Sharing her spiritual power this way would be the easiest solution to the bottleneck of his cultivation advancement, at no cost to her own connection with Twin Stars. He should've applauded the idea. But the moment he started imagining how to carry out this plan … he felt his chest tighten.

It wasn't that the image of it repulsed him. On the contrary, it made his heart race, and he felt ashamed of it. He felt ashamed of considering such an option at all. This girl was innocent and pure like nothing he had ever seen in this world. How could he harbor such an unspeakable thought for her while it was all for his own personal gain?

Torn by his internal conflicts, Bai Ye didn't know how to speak with the sword spirit again. He didn't even know how to face her. So for the first time in three years, he didn't show up for their regular session the next morning. Or the next, or the one after. He hid from her for days … until one evening at the end of the week, he heard a muffled conversation drifting through his window from the direction of the gate.

It must be the sword spirit. Over the years, she had gotten used to exploring Mount Hua and occasionally visiting Teng Yuan or Chu Yang's halls. Although the two men weren't thrilled by the existence of a demonic sword spirit, they didn't forbid their disciples from mingling with her, and her circle of friends grew quickly. Knocks on the gate had become much more frequent these days, almost always from her visitors.

Curious as to who it might be this time, Bai Ye opened his door and stepped into the courtyard. The girl was at the gate with her back to him, across from a young man who he vaguely remembered as one of Chu Yang's disciples. Holding a tall pile of books in his arms, the disciple smiled saccharinely.

"Here are all the books you asked for, Lady Fairy." The title almost made Bai Ye choke. "May I help you put them down in your room?"

"Thank you so much! No, that would not be necessary." The sword spirit's sweet voice made Bai Ye feel something sour rising in him. Why was she talking to someone else like that? And … why was she borrowing books?

"They are heavy," the disciple reminded her with a tinge of worry over his face. "Are you sure you don't need some help? I can also go over some of the texts with you, as it must be confusing to try to understand so many techniques at the same time. Some of these are more obscure than others as well. I can help you—"

"That would not be necessary," the sword spirit repeated. "I really appreciate your help, and I'd feel terrible taking more of your time. Thanks again, and please tell your master that I'll return these as soon as possible."

The disciple's face fell a little. But then he gave her a sly wink. "Master doesn't know about this," he lowered his voice and said. "Not all these books are appropriate for showing him, you know. Such as—"

But before he could finish that sentence, the sword spirit had closed the gate, locking it shut right in his face.

Bai Ye raised an eyebrow. Although he was glad that the girl didn't waste more time talking to this suspicious disciple, he wondered if it was too rude to shut the door on someone who just did the favor of lending her so many books. He had almost forgotten that she had such a blunt side to her.

The sword spirit turned around, stumbling a little under the weight of her new acquisitions, and their eyes met. Both of them froze for a moment.

It was her who cleared her throat first and broke the silence. "You're not going to come help me?" She nodded at the pile in her arms.

"…" Didn't she just say help wasn't necessary? Though before Bai Ye could think of saying it out loud, his feet were already crossing the garden as if that was the only reasonable thing to do. He picked up the pile from her. "You should've told me if you needed these," he said, somewhat grateful for the not-so-awkward opportunity to talk to her again after days. "I could get any books and have them added permanently to our library … so you can have as much time as you need to go through them."

"I'm not reading all of these," the sword spirit chuckled. "I only needed one of them. The rest are distractions, so that they won't know what exactly I'm looking for."

Bai Ye's steps slowed. Her lighthearted tone had brought temporary relief to the agitation that haunted him all week, but then a surge of nervousness hit him as he thought deeper about her words. "W-What were you trying to find?" he asked.

"What else? You wouldn't tell me anything about what I asked you the other day. I don't know what I did wrong … Or which part of it made you so angry that you wouldn't even talk to me anymore. How am I supposed to fix things if I don't understand what's going on?" She sighed and pointed at her desk as they stepped inside her room. "You can just leave it there, thank you for the help."

Bai Ye stood still, dumbfounded. She was going to keep looking into that technique … because she thought she made a mistake and made him angry? She thought that was why he avoided her all this time?

"I'm not angry," he said. "Not at you, at least."

She looked at him, her eyes clearly telling him that she didn't believe what he said. "Then why haven't I seen you all week? Why do you look so tense right now like I've become a poisonous snake that might bite you any second?"

Bai Ye swallowed. He was tense indeed, but how was he supposed to explain to her … that it was for an entirely different reason than what she thought?

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