289: A Wound Too Deep

A Wound Too Deep

The crisp colors of that day started to fade. The edge of the blue sky blurred, and the scent of autumn breeze drifted farther away. A thin veil of haze returned, shrouding the scene in front of us.1

Slowly, awareness trickled back to my mind. I remembered who I was. Slowly, the flow of Bai Ye's spiritual power separated itself from mine. I remembered where we were. The last lingering wisp of his memory left my consciousness, and I opened my eyes.

My heart hurt so much that I could barely breathe.

I had always known that our past pained him. He was always looking at me with such sorrow and wistfulness in his eyes, and he had always spoken of my past life with so much regret and guilt. But I never knew how deep that pain could run until I saw it. Until I felt it.

How did he make it through hundreds of years with all that suffering? How did he face me for the whole time I was at Mount Hua … hiding so heavy a burden from me every day?

My hands were still pressed against his for the spell. As the power flow between us dwindled, I curled my fingers lightly around his. It was just like the day I first met him in this new life, when he held my hand so carefully as he led me onto his flying sword. I could have never imagined back then how much that moment meant to him. I could have never imagined how much he had gone through just for that moment to finally come true.

He stirred a little at my touch. His lashes fluttered, and slowly, he opened his eyes. There was a flash of confusion when he met my gaze, as if he was still trying to wake up from the memories and regain his bearing.

"Qing-er …" he whispered when his eyes met mine. Then that confusion turned into something else. Uncertainty, doubt, and … fear.

That look stabbed me with renewed pain. I knew what he was thinking. For all these years, he had blamed everything on himself, and he thought he owed me life. He took those three thousand rituals of sacrificing heart's blood as his punishment, and he thought even that wasn't enough. He still feared that learning our past would change me, make me hate him or no longer trust him.

But how could it, when all I saw was how far he had gone to help me and save me? When all I saw was how heartless I was for trapping him in such a tragedy for half of his life, and for being so cruel to him without even knowing what I had done?

I raised my hand and let it brush gently over his cheek. His timeless features hadn't changed the slightest bit for hundreds of years, but I knew how much his soul had aged since the beginning of those memories, and it was all because of me. My vision blurred. "I'm sorry …" I choked. "I can't believe … that I could have ever said such heartless things to you. I can't believe I could have put all the blame on you for all those years. I'm so sorry."

His gaze wavered. The uncertainty in it was still there. "I'm the one who wronged you," he rasped. "I … regretted doing it. I thought more than once after that day … that if I was given another chance, I wouldn't have made the same choice. I wouldn't have betrayed you. I—"

I placed a finger over his lips, stopping the rest of his words. "You didn't betray me. Don't let her last words keep haunting you, Bai Ye. You know she was no longer the same person at that point. The real part of my soul never meant to say any of those things to you. The real part of my soul is only grateful that you made the right choice to put my conscience at ease. You saved me … and gave me a clean start free from that hatred and darkness. So please, don't say you wronged me ever again."

There was a moment of silence. "You still think that way?" he asked. "Even after seeing everything for yourself?"

He had asked me this question many times before already. But I knew he had never cleared that doubt fully from his mind, and the realization shredded my heart to pieces. He had spent too long trapped in our past … So long that it had already become a part of his life, so long that it had already been ingrained into his mind. So long that I had to prove it to him, over and over again, that I meant every word I said.

Maybe some wounds run so deep that only time could heal them. Then I would prove it to him, over and over again, until the day he finally let go of that darkness of the past and accept our new reality.

I leaned into him, brushing my lips over his. "Yes," I whispered, "and I'll always think that way no matter what happens. I only wish there was more clarity left in my mind towards the end of those days … I only wish I hadn't hurt you like this with all those cruel things I said and did. I'm so, so sorry … I don't know what I've done to deserve you again, after all the mistakes I made, all the sins I committed. But I can't be more thankful that fate brought us back together in this life. I can't be more thankful that I still have a chance to right what I had done wrong."

I kissed him gently, letting him feel through my touch that this moment was real. That everything I was saying was real. Then I pulled back a little. Cautiously, I let my hand graze down the collar of his robe. "Bai Ye," I said softly. "Will you … let me see those scars?"

He tensed.

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