355: Wanted to die

Wanted to die

Lin Yan's life has always revolved around his family, he had never thought of leaving his family but then his greedy old hag of a grandmother sent him to the Fu family. He was sent in such a flurry that Lin Yan didn't even get the time to pack his clothes, not that he got any time to pack his things when he ran away from that house. And currently, lying on his bed, Lin Yan wanted to cry, cry until he couldn't cry anymore. He had spent years suppressing those memories, that pain he went through and all the assorted ache that he had in his heart was now bursting through his heart. He had once left it all behind but now his past was catching up to him now.  1

He sighed and sat up straight rubbing his face as he thought about what he needed to do from now on, telling Su Wan the truth - it wasn't possible. The truth she wouldn't be able to bear it, He himself couldn't bear it - there were times when he wished he died under the hands of that woman and didn't live a life where he was always feeling guilty of his existence. 

But even his death wouldn't have been able to save him because death in the hands of Luo Xin would have meant losing his chastity, something he wasn't willing to do. 

Lin Yan had countless thoughts, a part of him wanted to tell Su Wan everything but the other half was too scared to see her disgusted gaze - he couldn't, he could never accept being hated by her. That would be as good as killing him - if Su Wan despised him for his past, his dirty body then she might as well plunge a knife in his heart and end his suffering for once and for all. 

And truthfully, he wouldn't even blame her on the contrary he would thank her! 

And to think this was just beginning! Luo Xin hadn't even come to look for him and he was already thinking of the most painless way to die.

How funny!

Lin Yan chuckled, a mocking sneer curling his lips " ah how many years has it been? Ah yes, more than six or eight?" he didn't remember the exact timeline because he didn't want to remember it at all. But he did remember Luo Xin, thin and muscular - in her late forties but somehow managed to hide her age with all the make-up she applied.  Her hair has always been tied up in a chignon, her cheekbones were sharp enough to kill someone and her eyes - God her eyes, even their memory made him tremble. Lin Yan rubbed his arms as a painful memory, a long-suppressed memory wrenched itself out of the lid he had placed on those memories. 

The one where he was kneeling and Luo Xin was sitting in front of him in nothing but her undergarments as she played and pressed his member with her foot, her obsessive gaze drilling into his body as she spread her legs " pick it up" she has said as she motioned to the jade cylindrical stick " and thrust it in - remember to thrust it well or else I would have to return the favour"

Lin Yan had been sick, sick to his core. He was sent as a menial worker, not as a boy toy of course he couldn't do what she asked and what was the result? She returned the way. 

Even now just thinking about it made his entire body burn with embarrassment. 

Him crouching on his four, butt naked, his ass spread apart and something cold being - he shook his head not wanting to remember it at all but Luo Xin's chilling and vulgar words still rang in his mind. 

" you worry me Yan, such a small job and you couldn't even do that? What a shame- let me teach you how it's done. So you won't make the same mistake ever again "

Lin Yan laid back down, as humiliation washed over him. He covered his face and warm, hot tears escaped past the cracks of his fingers, no he could never tell Su Wan that, even if his life was hanging by a thread he wouldn't tell Su Wan that, because even he couldn't stop but hate himself for surviving that, how can he expect Su Wan to keep loving him when she finds out that her husband managed to save his chastity but lost everything else. 

Everything he had was gone, even his chastity was dirty - like a broken chastity.

-

Lin Yan knew that he couldn't let anyone find out what was going on in his mind. So despite the murky sky dampening his spirits, he still walked out of his room and cooked an entire feast, like he was happy, normal and completely fine.  He wasn't, every time Su Wan looked at him with her gaze full of trust and love, He felt sick, nauseous and could hardly eat another bite. 

He didn't want to worry Su Wan and thus forced himself to eat his share. For the first time he was thankful for Shen Junxi being at their house because if he wasn't here then tonight was his chance to sleep with Su Wan - with his current condition, how can he bring himself to look at Su Wan? Much less touch her? Even if he forces himself, he couldn't have gotten past kissing her - his past was catching up and his sickness was acting up.

Throughout the dinner, Lin Yan ignored Lin Jing's gaze and avoided looking at his elder brother all together.  And it was with a rather alarming grace that he cleaned up the table and went to the backyard to clean the dishes. 

The snow was still just as thick as it was in the morning, if anything it got even worse at night.  Lin Yan looked at the falling snow, and sighed - right now he wanted to lock himself up and sleep but maybe he wouldn't be able to sleep at all. Luo Xin's memories will haunt him - he was certain of that, he couldn't sleep alone because he was afraid but he couldn't even sleep with someone either - his situation was so troublesome! 

Lin Yan picked one of the dirty bowls and started cleaning when something loud, alarming and weird came hurling from somewhere and landed right next to him -hitting the window in its wake with a loud 'thwack!'. 

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