364: I’m not who you think I’m

I’m not who you think I’m

" so what are you hiding from me?" asked Su Wan as she put down the empty bowl on the table beside Lin Yan's table and looked at him .1

Lin Yan sighed the case was in point and there was no way he was going to escape answering it. Su Wan has already made up his mind. 

" do you really want to know? Because I'm sure you won't like what you might hear. Or maybe you want to hear a story, the one without any gruesome events "

" I want the truth, Yan. Not some made-up story because I know there won't be half of the truth in it"

She was right, Lin Yan wouldn't let her know everything if she asked him to tell a story to her. But he knew there was no ignoring the fact that he didn't want to let go of his secret just like that - he wanted something in return. It sounded selfish but it was how he would like to do things, to give and take. Because that might be the only way to hold on to Su Wan, if she ever leaves him behind - he wanted something in his hand that will stop her from leaving or at least give him the confidence that he was just as important to her as she was to him.

" well if you want to know the truth, then you have to wait"

  " and why do I need to do that?"

" because there is a growing disparity between my trust and yours.  If you want the truth you have to remedy that "

" I am not sure that I understand what you are trying to say"

" I want you to tell me a secret of yours, I mean - something no one knows about. I want a bridge that links us together, a one that you won't be able to burn and shut me away once you realise what I am and what happened to me, if you can we will continue this conversation if not"

" I'm your wife" emphasised Su Wan 

But Lin Yan wasn't going to give it up just like that, he shook his head and refused to accept her answer "I know what you are but I want a guarantee, Wan Wan. I know it's not right but I don't think you will be willing to stay by my side once I tell you - and honestly, it's not about trust. It's just I, myself am afraid to be in my company" or more like disgusted. 

Su Wan sighed, she understood from where Lin Yan was coming from but she had nothing to hide well she has something she was hiding but she was sure he wouldn't believe her  but then again if that's what he wanted " I'm not the Su Wan you know "

Lin Yan blinked his eyes not understanding what she meant by this, he wasn't expecting her to say something like that. He expected her to say that she ran away from home or something like that but then again she always did something against their expectations in her typical Su Wan way. 

He tried to touch her hand but she shook her head, as she looked at him. Her eyes determined and inscrutable, he wanted her to speak and carefully explain in further detail what she meant by that she wasn't the Su Wan he knew but she remained silent. Lin Yan wished he could crack her head open and see for himself what she was hiding but then again he knew that she wouldn't continue without him telling a truth about himself.

" I tried to kill myself" Lin Yan understood that just like him Su Wan too wanted security. Maybe if he gave away a part of his secrets, she would let him in her world. He untied the strings that he always wore around his neck and showed her the scar that hid underneath them " I tried to off myself, and because I was too ashamed to face others, I started wearing these holy strings.  They all thought that I did it because my mother was afraid about my health but it was to hide these scars"

" and why did you do it?"

Lin Yan shook his head " nuh-uh, first you need to explain what you meant by that you are not Su Wan I know "

Su Wan shrugged, she never thought about hiding it from him. But she never expected that she would have to tell it to him under such circumstances  " what I mean I'm not the Su Wan of this world. She was timid and a scaredy-cat, right? You saw her before marrying her, but she didn't see you. Su Bai lied to you all that she saw you and accepted the marriage, later on when she found out she tried to run away but the Su family locked her up. Cornered and humiliated at the idea of marrying five men, she knocked her head on the wall and died - that's when I took over her body" when she looked at his pale complexion she smirked, as she leaned closer " what is it? Are you scared that your wife is a ghost from the future?"

Lin Yan nodded, he of course always had doubts about her sudden change but he didn't think that she - the Su Wan he knew was dead. And the one in front of him was someone from another timeline but then again it explained why she knew about things that no one knew, he swallowed not really understanding how Su Wan could be so nonchalant about it. But he still nodded and swallowed trying to find his courage to continue, well at least this Su Wan was the same one he married right? So it wasn't like he was telling his secrets to a stranger right? " I kind of snapped after you know what happened at the place where I was working as a slave. I wanted to forget whatever happened to me and just - just get away from it all. So, I did that you know, I tied my neck with a bedsheet and roped it around the beam, it's not as easy though. I could feel my neck getting suffocated but death didn't come anytime soon. Now I'm glad it didn't "

Su Wan looked at him with a sympathetic look, understanding where he was going but she didn't push him for answers. He was glad she didn't because he wasn't willing to give it all up in one go, it was too much. Bit by bit was alright but all at once, no.

Su Wan nodded then looked away from him as if she wasn't willing to look him in the eye about whatever she was going to tell him " I had a husband before I died and came here, I loved him a lot. But later on, he went ahead and cheated on me with my half-sister, I caught them on our wedding bed,"

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