392: Guilty

Guilty

Su Wan looked up when there was a knock on her door. Mother Lin. She knew she would be visiting her sooner or later, and Su Wan was actually hoping for her to come and visit her. Ever since she would up, everyone came to see her, even Father Lin, but Mother Lin was nowhere to be seen.  2

Su Wan wanted to set the track right with Mother Lin but didn't know how to. She tried to tell Mother Lin not to beat herself up. Still, she never got a chance to. Mother Lin was such a faint-hearted woman that she believed herself to be the culprit just because she hid the facts that she knew. 

Su Wan sat up straight. "Mother-" 

Then before she could say anything else, Mother Lin had her arms wrapped around her so tightly that she couldn't even get the words out that she wanted to say. She was hugging her so tightly that she couldn't even breathe.

"I'm so sorry," said Mother Lin. Su Wan didn't stop her; she knew that Mother Lin had to get this baggage off her heart or she might pile it up inside her until she exploded. 

Su Wan caught sight of unshed tears in Mother Lin's eyes when she pulled back and felt her heart break a little. Mother Lin didn't have to cry. It doesn't matter whether she told her or not. Yeah, it hurt a little when she realized that Mother Lin chose Lin Yan over her, but truthfully, even she would select Lin Yan over herself. 

So there was nothing for mother Lin to apologize for.

"You don't have to apologize. I would have done even if you didn't tell me."

Mother Lin inhaled a sharp breath and then let go of a shuddering breath as she shook her head. "It's not that. It's not about whether you have gone or not. The thing is, it's my fault. I should have told you the truth, but I didn't. I deliberately hid the information that should have been told to you. If you wanted to go then, it would have been your choice. But I didn't tell, I hid it because... because I was -"

"Afraid?" helped Su Wan gently. 

Mother Lin nodded, her head wiping the tears falling uncontrollably on her cheeks now. "I - I thought if you found out what was at stake, you wouldn't go, and I - I will lose my son. I was scared to lose you, but I was more scared to lose my son... I know I shouldn't have done what I did because that choice was yours to make, but I didn't want to scare you. I was afraid that if you found out, you would back out and then... And then I will lose Ah Yan. I was selfish, I know... You can hate me if you want. My sons hate me too. But what - what was I supposed to do? I couldn't just watch my son die, I know that I was really insensitive, but I had no other choice!"

Su Wan sighed and helped Mother Lin sit down beside her before handing a handkerchief to mother Lin to wipe her tears. She waited for Mother Lin to finish wiping away her tears before she began. "You are right, mother. You were selfish. You were really selfish. I was really hurt when I realized that you deliberately hid something so important from me. I even thought whether or not you love me, like a daughter as you claimed-"

"Of course I-"

"Don't lie, mother," said Su Wan calmly as if she wasn't hurt at all. Actually, she wasn't. She has always kept mother Lin and Father Lin at bay as well. If someone asked her did she treat Mother Lin and Father Lin because she loved them? The answer would be no. She didn't love them - she was willing to serve them because she loved her husbands. It was more of loving them and valuing their dog kind of situation. 

She never had any expectations from them, she hoped to be accepted and loved, but she didn't anticipate it. She knew that even if she was nice to them and they kind to her - she was, in the end, an outsider. 

It wasn't hard to expect. If Su Wan was in their place, she would have chosen her child too instead of their spouse. It was cruel and selfish, but so was motherly love. Something she never got. 

She couldn't understand a mother's love, but she knew that her child was the most precious treasure for a mother. She couldn't understand, so she cannot blame Mother Lin, but that doesn't mean she will forget this either. She will never blame Mother Lin, but she will never forgive either. 

Mother Lin stared at Su Wan, her eyes turning red as her lips curled in a mocking smile. "It would have hurt less if you blamed me," she said, looking at her hands. Then she sighed and looked up at Su Wan again calmly "you can be really cruel sometimes, Wan Wan. But I don't blame you if I were you -if you didn't save my son. I would have done something like this too, I would have never blamed you, but I would have never forgiven you either. I would have left you to forever live in guilt. You and I are the same, aren't we?"

Su Wan didn't say anything and let Mother Lin continue what she wanted to tell her. She knew that Mother Lin wasn't here just to apologize to her. 

"I wish I could have done better than I did," said mother Lin with trembling voice. "I know how important you are to my sons, and I don't blame them because you saved them when their father and I couldn't give them a new identity and a chance to live a better life. I understand their anger in one way or another, but the truth is I don't regret it." Mother Lin's voice grew determined as she added, "I don't regret it, but that doesn't mean I don't feel guilty."

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