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The Cow Palace in San Francisco was a madhouse, filled with noisy, chanting delegates from all over the country. There were three candidates vying for the presidential nomination, and each had done well in the primaries. But the star, the one who outshone them all, was Adam Warner. The nomination was his on the fifth ballot, and it was made unanimous. His party finally had a candidate they could put forward with pride. The incumbent President, the leader of the opposition party, had a low credibility rating and was considered by the majority of people to be inept.

"Unless you take your cock out and pee in front of a camera on the six o'clock news," Stewart Needham told Adam, "you're going to be the next President of the United States."Advertisement

After his nomination, Adam flew to New York for a meeting at the Regency Hotel with Needham and several influential members of the party. Present in the room was Blair Roman, head of the second largest advertising agency in the country.

Stewart Needham said, "Blair will be in charge of running the publicity end of your campaign, Adam."

"Can't tell you how glad I am to be aboard." Blair Roman grinned. "You're going to be my third President."

"Really?" Adam was not impressed with the man.

"Let me fill you in on some of the game plan." Blair Roman started pacing the room, swinging an imaginary golf club as he walked. "We're going to saturate the country with television commercials, build an image of you as the man who can solve America's problems. Big Daddy - only a young, good-looking Big Daddy. You get it, Mr. President?"

"Mr. Roman..."

"Yes?"

"Would you mind not calling me 'Mr. President'?"

Blair Roman laughed. "Sorry. Slip of the tongue, A.W. In my mind you're already in the White House. Believe me, I know you're the man for the job or I wouldn't be undertaking this campaign. I'm too rich to have to work for money."

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Beware of people who say they're too rich to have to work for money, Adam thought.

"We know you're the man for the job - now we have to let the people know it. If you'll just take a look at these charts I've prepared, I've broken down different sections of the country into various ethnic groups. We're going to send you to key places where you can press the flesh."

He leaned forward into Adam's face and said earnestly, "Your wife is going to be a big asset. Women's magazines will go crazy for stuff on your family life. We're going to merchandise you, A.W."

Adam found himself beginning to get irritated. "Just how do you plan to do that?"

"It's simple. You're a product, A.W. We're going to sell you just like we'd sell any other product. We - "

Adam turned to Stewart Needham. "Stewart, could I see you alone?"

"Certainly." Needham turned to the others and said, "Let's break for dinner and meet back here at nine o'clock. We'll continue the discussion then."

When the two men were alone, Adam said, "Jesus, Stewart! He's planning to turn this thing into a circus! 'You're a product, A.W. We're going to sell you just like we'd sell any other product.' He's disgusting!"

"I know how you feel, Adam," Stewart Needham said soothingly, "but Blair gets results. When he said you're his third President, he wasn't kidding. Every President since Eisenhower has had an advertising agency masterminding his campaign. Whether you like it or not, a campaign needs salesmanship. Blair Roman knows the psychology of the public. As distasteful as it may be, the reality is that if you want to be elected to any public office, you have to be sold - you have to be merchandised."

"I hate it."

"That's part of the price you're going to have to pay." He walked over to Adam and put an arm across his shoulder. "All you have to do is keep the objective in mind. You want the White House? All right. We're going to do everything we can to get you there. But you have to do your part. If being the ringmaster in a three-ring circus is part of it, bear with it."

"Do we really need Blair Roman?"

"We need a Blair Roman. Blair's as good as there is. Let me handle him. I'll keep him away from you as much as possible."

"I'd appreciate that."

The campaign began. It started with a few television spots and personal appearances and gradually grew bigger and bigger until it spanned the nation. Wherever one went, there was Senator Adam Warner in living color. In every part of the country he could be watched on television, heard on radio, seen on billboards. Law and order was one of the key issues of the campaign, and Adam's crime investigation committee was heavily stressed.

Adam taped one-minute television spots, three-minute television spots and five-minute spots, geared for different sections of the country. The television spots that went to West Virginia dealt with unemployment and the vast supply of underground coal that could make the area prosperous; the television segments for Detroit talked about urban blight; in New York City, the subject was the rising crime rate.

Blair Roman confided to Adam, "All you have to do is hit the highlights, A.W. You don't have to discuss key issues in depth. We're selling the product, and that's you."

Adam said, "Mr. Roman, I don't care what your goddamned statistics say. I'm not a breakfast food and I don't intend to be sold like one. I will talk about issues in depth because I think the American people are intelligent enough to want to know about them."

"I only - "

"I want you to try to set up a debate between me and the President, to discuss the basic issues."

Blair Roman said, "Right. I'll take a meeting with the President's boys right away, A.W."

"One more thing," Adam said.

"Yes? What's that?"

"Stop calling me A.W." pqdm.com