676: A responsibility and a burden

A responsibility and a burden

In the dimly lit room, a gentle breeze rustled the curtains, casting the delicate and soft glow of the brightly lit fireworks from outside. The vibrant shadow of colors kissed the contours of their faces as Jin held his breath.1

His eyes locked for a brief moment, surprise evident in his expression and so was a hint of uncertainty. Hia heart raced, a mix of emotions flooding his senses. On one side, the time back in the restaurant invaded his thoughts and now his acute senses were too sensitive to feel the brush of Shui's chest against his. He held in his breath, trying to think of random thoughts but failing to do so. On the other side, an equally strong sense of responsibility trapped his heart into a prison-like state where he knew for certain that he should be getting off Shui and immediately leave the fleeting embrace he was in.

Shui gazed into those troubled black pupils that seemed to hold an endless maze of secrets known to only Jin. Under the faint light of those fireworks, she could see his lips trembling that suggested the restraint he was trying to exert on himself. But the question still bugged Shui.

"Why?"

Jin widened his eyes ever so slightly as he steeled himself to meet the question in Shui's eyes.

"...What?"

He could feel the warmth of Shui's body beneath him, the softness of the cushioning underneath, and a magnetic pull that only made his struggle harder with the dangerous attraction. The atmosphere between them felt like a lethal marsh which would swallow Jin completely if he succumbed to take a step into it. He would get pulled down by the weight of the love that he had been holding back for a long time now.

"Why are you struggling so much, Jin?" She asked.

At first, she wanted nothing more than to tease Jin and just to get under his skin, making him grumpy and annoyed. But the pain that brought a very small tear to settle in his eyelash made her act otherwise.

"What burden is it that you are carrying on your shoulders that is making…you so miserable like this?"

"Nothing," Jin instinctively replied. He could feel the rise and fall of her chest, and he swallowed hard, willing himself to regain his composure. "There is no burden. You are mistaken."

"Then tell me why it is so that you are seemingly battling your own self? You look like you are defending yourself against someone and that someone is none other than you," she firmly asserted.

Every passing moment that drove their proximity to stretch thin between them made him feel as if he was running out of time. He could hear Shui's questions crystal-clear but he had no answers to give to her. He couldn't help stop his gaze from tracing her neckline, her clavicle and her chin that led him to greet her pink, flushed lips.

And Shui traced his eyes tracing her figure. It was faint because she knew that he was reeling his desire to bridge the gap between them as if making his own heart a prisoner. She ever so gently raised her hand and placed her palm on his cheek. The tips of her delicate fingers hovered near his temple, brushing away the small tear from his eyelash, making him stiffen.

"If you want to kiss me, then say so."

That bold assertion froze his heart ice-cold. The rhythm of his breaths fell apart, feeling exposed and vulnerable.

In that fleeting instant, Jin's struggle seemed to crumble the walls he was painstakingly building to imprison his heart. He could sense the desire building within him, an unmistakable pull toward her. But his restraint was equally powerful, driven by his desire to protect everybody's future.

Everybody but his.

The woman he loved acknowledged the emotions he was striving to hide from her and with a bold declaration, asked him to confess it as well. He felt as if his admittance was just on the tip of his tongue. If he said yes, then would she agree to let him kiss her?

If she agreed to let him kiss her, then that would change the dynamics between them forever, was it not? There was no way to kiss her and undo it. Her question was simple but the answer to it was anything but that.

So close…Shui is so close…

If I say yes then…would she lean and kiss me? Or would I lean and kiss her? 

He felt his heart race and with every ticking moment, their lips seemed to inch closer as if driven by an invisible force. Neither were initiating the kiss, yet it felt like the distance was dissipating somehow.

With a controlled exhale, Jin shifted his weight, carefully pulling himself off Shui and settling on the bed beside her. Their proximity remained, but the air had shifted from a passionate and unpredictable tension to a shared moment of vulnerability. He felt cold as soon as he lost the warmth of Shui's hand from over his cheek. He simply remained still on the bed with his feet touching the floor.

Shui, too, slowly rose and quietly sat beside him, her feet touching the floor too. "It feels like you gave me a yes but also a no at the same time. You are mean, Jin."

Jin softly closed his eyes, trying to stabilize his erratic breaths. 

She bit the corner of her lip, releasing a painful sigh. "I cannot see you suffering like this, Jin."

"I know," he whispered back.

"I want you to share your burden with me, Jin."

"I know."

She then very slowly asked, "So you admit there IS a burden?"

"...It is a responsibility that I chose for myself. I won't back off because it holds the happiness of a very important person very dear to me. But it also is a burden in a way that I cannot explain to you. There is a responsibility I am willing to take and a burden I am willing to bear."

He then turned to face her as he said in a hushed and trembling voice, "Both of which don't allow me to be with you."

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