162: 4.27 Like You So Much

4.27 Like You So Much

He spent the ride back scrolling through the plot from Heimo's perspective. He had mostly gotten it right. The fuse that started the war didn't come from Jingxue-Jun's death, but the death of Heimo's adopted parents, Luqiu couple who had taken Heimo in when he almost died of frostbite. The excessive grief had sent their youngest daughter, Luqiu Ning, into a sort of qi deviation where her body was consumed by resentful energy. There was no way Heimo would sit still and watch his sister dying slowly just like that. Without an ounce of hesitation, he threw away his cultivation to embrace the demonic path and since then, he had become the medium to transfer the resentful energy out of Luqiu Ning's body.1

But she didn't recover and she wouldn't, until Heimo opened the gate to the demonic realm.

Of course, because of Shan Duoyin's intervention, Heimo failed to save his sister. His soul would be burned in heavenly fire for 49 days straight until it dissipated into thin air and he wouldn't get the chance to reincarnate ever again. Luqiu Ning ended up killing herself because the excessive resentful energy in her body couldn't be contained any longer. Nobody knew what happened to the rest of the sect members after that but all of a sudden, the dormant volcano became an area soaked with demonic energy so deep into the soil and no amount of cleansing could get rid of that.

It was said that no one could step into that land and came out alive. For centuries, it became a forbidden place where travelers could hear the sound of crying and mourning echoing in the air, belonging to the souls who were unable to obtain peace even in their death.

Lu Yizhou finished reading with a heavy sigh.

The talk with Sect Leader Ling had gone longer than he expected. The sky had lightened, rich with the purple and blue streaks. As soon as the bamboo hut came into sight, Lu Yizhou hastened his pace. He wanted— wanted to hug Heimo, to assure him that he didn't need to suffer any longer, that Lu Yizhou would take the burden from his shoulders. He wanted to shield Heimo from all harm he could possibly go through in the future. He wanted Heimo to trust him, to understand him, to believe that the last thing Lu Yizhou would do was to hurt him. He wanted too much… but how? How could he convince Heimo after everything the man had gone through?

He was Sect Leader Ling's — the man who had killed Heimo's parents — disciple. Even if the original Jingxue-Jun disagreed with Sect Leader Ling's view, he didn't do anything to prevent the execution either. He was equally blamed as the one who killed the people who had saved Heimo's life.

Lu Yizhou's heart abruptly sank as he took in the dark house. Not even one candle was lit, not even the one who was used to illuminate the way. Lu Yizhou's breath faltered as he pushed the gate open. Had Heimo decided to put an end to them and disappear once and for all? Did Heimo still decide to leave after… after Lu Yizhou had given him the hairpin, after Lu Yizhou had asked him to stay…? 

A slight movement on his peripheral vision caught his attention and Lu Yizhou swiveled around to see Heimo straightening up from his position of laying across the table in the courtyard. Eyes still bleary with sleep, strands of hair sticking in all directions and his robes slightly crumpled, he stretched his body with a yawn. The hairpin Lu Yizhou gave him was still in his hair. Heimo was still here. He didn't leave.  "Jingxue-Jun…?" He blinked through the tears hanging on his eyelashes. "Sorry, I must have fallen asleep—"

Lu Yizhou cut the distance between them in three large strides and pulled Heimo into his embrace, circling his arms around the man as if wanted to meld their body into one. A surprised sound escaped Heimo's throat and he instinctively pushed on Lu Yizhou's chest only for Lu Yizhou to tighten his arms further. He lowered his face into Heimo's hair and inhaled deeply, taking in his familiar sweetness that soothed the distress in his chest. 

"J—Jingxue-Jun?" Heimo all but squeaked, flustered, his palms pressing on Lu Yizhou's shoulders "I—Is there something wrong?"

"I'm sorry," he rasped.

Heimo paused. "...What?"

"I'm sorry, Lan'er."

"What are you apologizing for?" Heimo chuckled, his body slowly relaxing in Lu Yizhou's hold.

Lu Yizhou pressed his lips tightly. Sorry for arriving so late, sorry for all the painful experience you have to endure. If he had just come earlier, he could have saved the homeless Heimo and offered him a home, he could have prevented the death of Heimo's parents, he could have… he could have. He knew that it was the simulator who selected the time of his entry but he couldn't resolve the guilt all the same. Lu Yizhou exhaled and let the regret brew inside him. In the end, all that came out of his mouth was, "I have made you wait. Why are you sleeping out here? It's cold." He let Heimo go only to take the man's hands into his, rubbing the coldness away from his skin.

He was so focused that he didn't realize the flush rising on Heimo's cheeks. "Ah, I—I fell asleep without realizing." He huffed out an amused sigh. "You don't need to come all the way here, you know? Lingyan is so far away from here. You must be tired."

Lu Yizhou shook his head. "I said I will come to you." He looked up to meet Heimo's eyes, as gentle as ever. "Lan'er is waiting. How can I not?"

"You—!" Heimo fumed and swatted his arm, not even inserting any strength of course. "I told you not to say something like that all of a sudden! My heart can't take it, Jingxue-Jun!" He harrumphed, the trace of a smile lingering on his lips. "Anyway, you must be tired because of the long journey. Sit down, I will bring you tea."

"Lan'er," Lu Yizhou started to protest.

Heimo leveled him a pointed stare. It was so familiar that Lu Yizhou's heart squeezed. Helplessly, he nodded and let himself be pushed down onto the chair while Heimo went to light up the candle and busy himself in the kitchen. Not even a few minutes later, he came out with a tray bearing a kettle of piping hot tea. "It's my special concoction." Heimo's fingertips trembled ever so slightly as he poured the tea. Lu Yizhou wanted to cradle them within his palms. "Last time, Jingxue-Jun seemed to enjoy it very much and I swear, it's very good to relieve exhaustion and stress. Jingxue-Jun should drink it and have a good rest later."

"How about you?"

"M—Me?" Heimo gave a high pitched laugh. "I have already drunk it! Didn't you see that I was sleeping so well?"

"Hmm." Lu Yizhou accepted the cup and downed it whole in a beat. "It's very delicious. Thank you, Lan'er."

"No…" Heimo hastily broke eye contact and looked down at the kettle as if it was holding the world's greatest secret. "No need to thank me. I am not good at all."

"That's not true." Lu Yizhou denied softly. His eyelids began to droop. "Lan'er is… the strongest and kindest person I have ever known." The teacup slipped from his hand and Heimo agilely caught it, placing it to the nearest surface available as he held Lu Yizhou's limp body in his arms. Gently, he carried Lu Yizhou to bed, covering him with a blanket and smoothing the wayward strand of his hair. Afterward Heimo sat there, by Lu Yizhou's bedside, staring at the man's sleeping visage for a long, long time.

For a while, the whole world seemed so tranquil. Dawn began to settle, its golden streak landed on Lu Yizhou's eyelids as Heimo stroked his face with his fingertips. His eyes were sorrowful. "I am really not good at all, Lu Yizhou. You have been so kind, so gentle to me. But all I have ever done is to trick you again and again. I don't even have the courage to tell you my full name." 

He pursed his lips, tears pooling on the corner of his eyes. "I really, really want to meet you as Luqiu Lan, as myself. Alas, I am but a coward, I don't think I can bear it if you were to look at me with loathe. Please forgive me, Lu Yizhou." He bent down to press a butterfly kiss on the man's lips. A drop of crystalline tear landed on Lu Yizhou's cheek which he wiped away with a trembling hand. His palm lingered there, thumb stroking the smooth surface of Lu Yizhou's skin in a circular motion.

"I like you… I'm sorry, but I really, really did…" Heimo confessed shakily, his head dropping to the crook of the man's neck. Like a shattered dam, his feelings burst out of the tight lid of his heart, uncontrollably, each word pouring out with intense affection and grief. "I like you. I like you so much. This cowardly, pathetic and unworthy man likes you; like you to the point where he can't bear not to see you again, not to bid farewell. So here I am, waiting like a fool, waiting for you to come back to me." He inhaled deeply, trembling ever so slightly and straightened up in one sharp movement, ripping himself off the man with strenuous effort. The next time he spoke, it was firmer, stronger; but also broken and wretched. His eyes were bloodshot with unshed tears. "But this is enough, I told myself. I, Luqiu Lan, don't have the right to love you, not when I can't make you my priority."

"The next time we meet…" Heimo bit his lips so hard it bled, his eyes burned like someone had poured boiling lava on them. Yet no tears came out. He didn't even deserve to cry for this love he crushed with his own hands. "We will be enemies." 

"Farewell, my love..."

Like the wind he went and when Lu Yizhou opened his eyes again, the hut was already empty. The cup was washed and dried, and the chairs were orderly as if no one had sat there just a few minutes ago. Lu Yizhou wordlessly touched his damp cheek, sorrow bled through his heart. Toward the silence, he rasped. "Who are you to decide you are worthy or not, Lan'er…? As long as I can stay by your side, I don't need to be your priority."

What welcomed him was merely the awakening sun and the hollowness on the corner of his heart which no one could fill but one.

pqdm.com