732: Why Should I Stop?!

Why Should I Stop?!

Dr. Feng's reaction was simple. He merely thought that he had been poisoned by the intimate scene between Luan and Cyrus earlier and that's why he developed auditory hallucination now. Digging into his ear, he told Luan. "Say it again?"2

Luan stared at him with a resigned and despairing look. The jar had been broken anyway, so he'd better smash it once and for all. He parted his lips and emphasized each word heavily, "The person I love… has always been you."

Now, he could not even fool himself anymore. Perhaps the shock he received today had been too much, Dr. Feng did not even have the capacity to feel surprised anymore. He merely stared at Luan as though it was the first time he had seen him, strange and alienated.

"Then what about—" He had blurted out the question halfway before he forcibly bit the tip of his tongue and swallowed the words back in his stomach again. 

If what you said is true, then what about Cyrus? The answer was simple, clear yet cruel at the same time. It was because Cyrus was the virtual character he created. Dr. Feng was not stupid. Just by that one confession, he could already piece together the chain of events and saw through the whole picture. The gaze he directed at Luan became more complicated. "Luan, you…" he trailed off, confused as to what he should say at a time like this.

This time, he was really caught off guard. He could not even wrap his head around their current situation. Luan… loved him? How was it possible? How was it possible for a non-human, non-tangible system to… love? After all, he was only made up of codes! Only a complex building of numbers and data! 

He had still been feeling okay when he saw Cyrus and Luan entangled with each other, but when the spotlight suddenly shifted to his head, he found himself discombobulated, unhinged, as if the ground had been yanked off his feet.

"You don't believe it… do you?" Luan asked sardonically, despite knowing the answer. Just by looking at Dr. Feng's purely bewildered appearance, he could tell that the man was really confused right now. Though he had seen this coming, he still could not help the pang of bitterness on his chest. But now that the cat was already out of the bag, he did not have any qualms to hide his feelings anymore. He strode forward until he was standing right in front of Dr. Feng, staring down at the bespectacled man with an aggressive manner. "Why? Does it sound so shocking? Do you think that I am incapable of love?"

Each of his thoughts had been pointed out with terrifying accuracy. Dr. Feng could not even retort even if he wanted to.

Luan gave a derisive snort and the rims of his eyes gradually tinged with red. "I may not be a human, and I may not have a body like you, but… I can still feel." He pressed his palm on his chest with an anguish look on his face. "Everytime I look at you, this place feels like it has been corrupted by bugs. It's loud, painful and messy…"

"Luan…" Dr. Feng could not bear to listen anymore. He did not know why he was feeling flustered, but being the recipient of Luan's frank and unabashed feeling was too… awkward. So damn awkward! He even had the urge to run away. Closing his eyes, he hissed, "Luan, stop it."

"Why should I stop?!" Luan growled, making Dr. Feng stunned. This was the first time Luan had ever raised his voice at him, and also the first time… he had ever cried. The crystalline droplets of tears that fell from his eyes sent a powerful jolt over Dr. Feng's heart. It felt numbing and strange as if… as if he had been scalded. 

"Tell me, why should I stop?!"

Luan knew he was losing control of himself. This had never been his plan. He had never intended to say any of this to Dr. Feng but… why should he hold back any longer? Why should he keep hiding? The feelings he had painstakingly buried for nearly a decade finally burst out like a broken dam, unable to be stopped. And in the end, he finally asked a question that had always been kept in the depth of his heart, "If… If I had been a human from the start… would anything have changed? Would you have considered me even for a bit?!"

That's it. Dr. Feng could not stay here any longer. He shot up standing and marched toward the door whilst saying in a hurried tone, "I think you are too emotional right now. Stay here and cool your head a bit—"

Luan subconsciously reached out to grab Dr. Feng's wrist… only for his hand to go through the man's body. His breathing stuttered and it was like something deep within him shattered to pieces like heavy glass smashed on the floor. He was once again reminded of the cruel reality that… the two of them could never be equal; that no matter how many times he tried, he would never be able to reach this person. Ever.

Seeing Dr. Feng walked further and further away, a burst of chills permeated his body and he was filled with an unprecedented dread that turned his scalp numb. He did not know why, but when he looked at Dr. Feng's back, he had a hunch that if he did not say anything… if he did not do anything, then he would lose this person – completely. And hence, in the heat of the moment, he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind,

"Inside the simulator… Cyrus told me that he loves me. He told me that he wants to be together with me! But why…" 

—Why was it not the same with you?

As soon as Luan realized what kind of sentence he had said, he immediately broke out in cold sweat. No! He did not mean to say this… at all! This was not what he wanted to say! 

Panicked, he opened his mouth to rectify, yet his throat was locked up and he could not even utter a word. He only felt cold all over as if he had been chilled down to the bones. His body, his heart and his soul… everything had been frozen over as if his whole world had been nothing but endless winter.

Dr. Feng paused in the doorway, hesitating. He looked as if he was going to turn around only to decide against it. In the end, he merely kept himself rooted in place and left a short and concise sentence that sent Luan straight to his doom. "Luan… I am not Cyrus."

When the door of the office closed and he could no longer see Dr. Feng's figure, Luan instantly fell on his knees as if all his strength had been drained away, his silhouette painting a lonesome and lifeless image.

.

Ever since that day, Luan never showed himself up anymore.

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