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“Bex, you’re nothing like bloody Elinor! You’d never leave your child!”

“I’m not saying I’m like her! I’m just saying…” I tail away feebly, letting the dressing gown cord unravel.Advertisement

I don’t really know what I’m saying. And I don’t think Suze will ever quite understand where I’m coming from. She’s never made any mistakes in her life. She’s always cruised through easily, never upsetting anyone, never getting herself in trouble. But I haven’t. I know what it feels like to do something stupid — or worse than stupid — and then wish, above anything else, that I hadn’t.

“So what does all this mean? Why are you—” Suze’s voice sharpens in alarm. “Hang on. Bex, this isn’t your way of saying you’re going to get married in New York after all, is it?”

“It’s not as simple as that,” I say after a pause.

“Bex… I’ll kill you. I really will. If you tell me now that you want to get married in New York—”

“Suze, I don’t want to get married in New York. Of course I don’t! But if we abandon the wedding now… then that’ll be it. Elinor’ll never speak to either of us again. Ever.”

“I don’t believe it. I just don’t believe it! You’re going to fuck everything up again, aren’t you?”

“Suze—”

“Just as everything is all right! Just as for once in your life, you aren’t in a complete mess and I can start to relax…”

“Suze—”

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“Becky?”

I look up, startled. Luke is standing there in his boxers and T-shirt, staring in bleary puzzlement at me.

“Are you OK?” he says.

“I’m fine,” I say, putting a hand over the receiver. “Just talking to Suze. You go back to bed. I won’t be long.”

I wait until he’s gone and then shuffle closer to the radiator, which is still giving out a feeble heat.

“OK, Suze, listen,” I say. “Just… just hear me out. I’m not going to fuck anything up. I’ve been thinking really hard, and I’ve had this genius idea…”

By nine the next morning I’m at Elinor’s apartment. I’ve dressed very carefully and am wearing my smartest linen U.N. diplomatic envoy-style suit, together with a pair of nonconfrontational rounded-toe shoes. Although I’m not sure Elinor quite appreciates the effort I’ve made. As she answers the door she looks even paler than usual and her eyes are like daggers.

“Rebecca,” she says stonily.

“Elinor,” I reply, equally stonily. Then I remember I’ve come here in order to be conciliatory. “Elinor,” I repeat, trying to inject the word with some warmth. “I’ve come to talk.”

“To apologize,” she says, heading down the corridor.

God, she is a cow. And anyway, what did I do? Nothing! For a moment I consider turning round and leaving. But I’ve decided to do this, so I will.

“Not really,” I say. “Just to talk. About you. And Luke.”

“He has regretted his rash actions.”

“No.”

“He wishes to apologize.”

“No! He doesn’t! He’s hurt and angry and he has no desire to go near you again!”

“So why are you here?”

“Because… I think it would be a good thing if the two of you tried to make up. Or at least talk to each other again.”

“I have nothing to say to Luke,” replies Elinor. “I have nothing to say to you. As Luke indicated yesterday, the relationship is terminated.”

God, they are so like each other.

“So… have you told Robyn yet about the wedding being off?” This is my secret fear, and I hold my breath for an answer.

“No. I thought I would give Luke a chance to reconsider. Clearly this was a mistake.”

I take a deep breath. “I’ll get Luke to go through with the wedding. If you apologize to him.” My voice is a little shaky. I can’t quite believe I’m doing this.

“What did you say?” Elinor turns and stares at me.

“You apologize to Luke and tell him… well, basically, that you love him. And I’ll persuade him to get married at the Plaza. You’ll have your big smart wedding for all your friends. That’s the deal.”

“You’re… bargaining with me?”

“Er… yes.” I turn to face her square-on and clench my fists tightly by my sides. “Basically, Elinor, I’m here for completely selfish reasons. Luke has been screwed up about you all his life. Now he’s decided he never wants to see you again. Which is all fine and good — but I’m worried that’s not the end. I’m worried in two years’ time he’ll suddenly decide he’s got to come back to New York and find you and see if you really are as bad as he thinks you are. And it’ll all start again.” pqdm.com