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What is up?

‘I think there’s more to this than child behaviour, isn’t there, Luke?’ says Nanny Sue quietly, and I stare, agog. This is just like the TV show! ‘Take your time,’ she adds, as Luke takes a deep breath. ‘There’s no hurry.’Advertisement

There’s silence apart from Minnie chomping another shortbread. I don’t dare move a muscle. The whole atmosphere in the room has changed and become stiller. What’s he going to say?

‘Having Minnie has been wonderful.’ Luke speaks at last, his voice a little gruff. ‘But I just don’t feel as though I could give the same intensity of feeling to another child. And I couldn’t risk that. I know what it is to feel abandoned and unloved by a parent and I’m not going to do it to a child of my own.’

I’m so gobsmacked I can’t even utter a sound. I had no idea Luke felt like this. None. None.

‘Why do you feel abandoned, Luke?’ Nanny Sue is using the soft, sympathetic voice she always uses at the end of the show.

‘My mother left me when I was small,’ says Luke matter-of-factly ‘We did meet in later life, but we never … bonded, you might say. Recently, we had a major disagreement, and as a result, I’m fairly sure we’ll never speak again.’

‘I see.’ Nanny Sue looks unfazed. ‘Have you made any attempts at reconciliation? Has she?’

‘My mother never gives me a thought.’ He gives a small, wry smile. ‘Trust me.’

‘Becky, are you familiar with this situation?’ Nanny Sue turns to me. ‘Do you feel that Luke’s mother never gives him a thought?’

My face flames and I make a tiny, inarticulate noise that doesn’t mean anything.

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‘Becky hates my mother even more than I do,’ chimes in Luke with a short laugh. ‘Don’t you, darling? I’m sure you’re heartily relieved that we never have to see her.’

I gulp my tea, my face burning. This is unbearable. I’ve got about two hundred texts in my phone, all from Elinor, all about Luke. She’s done nothing this week except devote herself to giving him the best party in the world.

But I can’t say anything. What can I say?

‘I was brought up by a wonderful stepmother.’ Luke is talking again. ‘She really was my mum. But even so, that feeling of abandonment never leaves you. If I had another child, and it felt abandoned …’ He winces. ‘I couldn’t do that.’

‘But why would it feel abandoned?’ asks Nanny Sue gently. ‘It would be your child. You would love it.’

There’s a long silence – then Luke shakes his head.

‘That’s the trouble. My fear, if you like.’ His voice is suddenly very low and husky. ‘I don’t see how I could have enough affection to be split so many ways. I love Becky. I love Minnie. I’m done.’ He turns to me suddenly. ‘Don’t you feel that? Haven’t you ever felt afraid you might not have the capacity to love another child?’

‘Well, no,’ I say, a bit baffled. ‘I just feel like … the more the merrier.’

‘Luke, this is a very common fear,’ says Nanny Sue. ‘I’ve known many, many parents express this worry before having a second child. They look at their first, beloved child and all they can feel is guilt that there won’t be enough love to go round.’

‘Exactly.’ His brow furrows deeply. ‘That’s exactly it. It’s the guilt.’

‘But each of those parents, without exception, has said to me afterwards that there is enough love. There’s plenty.’ Her voice softens even more. ‘There’s plenty of love.’

I feel a sudden pricking at my eyes.

Oh, no way. I am not going to let Nanny Sue make me cry.

‘You didn’t know in advance how much you would love Minnie, did you?’ Nanny Sue says quietly to Luke. ‘But that didn’t stop you then.’

There’s a long pause.

My fingers are crossed tightly, I suddenly realize. Both hands. And my feet.

‘I … guess not,’ says Luke slowly at last. ‘I guess in the end you just have to have faith.’ He looks up at me and gives a tentative smile, and I beam joyfully back.

Nanny Sue is the cleverest expert in the world, and I love her.

It’s an hour before we’ve said our last goodbye to Nanny Sue, promised to stay in touch for ever and finally got Minnie into bed. Luke and I tiptoe out of her bedroom, lean back against the wall and look at each other silently for a moment.

‘So,’ says Luke at last.

‘So.’

‘Do you think we’ll have a boy or a girl?’ He pulls me towards him and I sink into his arms. ‘Do you think Minnie wants a brother or sister to boss around?’ pqdm.com