105: Sleeping Beauty and the Mini Chaos Gremlin

Sleeping Beauty and the Mini Chaos Gremlin

My new house is magnificent, with smooth, living wood walls that look straight out of Tolkien's Rivendell. The turret soars into the sky, the tallest structure around, and the huge windows are all magicked to let in maximum sunlight and views, while making it impossible for anyone outside to see in.

Seeing my turret is enough to push away the last of my negativity, and feeling carefree, I skip up the steps to the massive front doors. I grasp the gold-and-emerald leaf door knocker, and welcome the warm glow verifying my ownership as I unlock the building for the first time.

*Ding!*

{Aether Alert: Congratulations Player Erebus for being the first to unlock a 2-Star Dwelling! Awarded +150 Tara Reputation Points, Free Special Room, +150,000 EXP.

Please choose a 2-Star Special Room to be automatically built on the premises: Ballroom, Library, or Solarium.}

'Do I really strike you as a ballroom kinda guy?' I think wryly. 

To my surprise, I actually receive a reply from the angelic Sunshine voice of the Nova AI:

{I assume sir would use it for expanded storage and weapons display.}

I feel seen.

'Solid assumption, Ms. Nova. And I dig libraries and solarium greenhouses, too...'

{I'm hearing a 'but'.}

'Buuut, I'm wondering if maybe I could use my Chaos Incarnate Title to convince you to offer me something a little different. I never did get a 1-Star Dwelling Special Room, after all, since I skipped straight to 2-Star. I feel like maybe that deserves something Extra Special?'

{ . . . }

I can feel the AI judging me for being a greedy bastard.

I shrug. 

Sunshine Voice sighs.

{What did you have in mind, Player Erebus?}

'War Room! Preferably hidden behind a secret panel or something!'

Did I just ask for a 3-Star Special Room worth several thousand gold?

Why yes, yes I did.

Sunshine Voice chokes.

I waggle my eyebrows and plead with my best "C'mon, you know you want to..." expression.

*Resigned Ding!*

{Aether Alert: Chaos Incarnate Title boosts Balls of Steel and NPC Whisperer Titles when speaking to Nova AI. Request accepted. War Room will automatically appear.}

I blow the AI a kiss, which probably looks odd to my teammates since none of them can hear this conversation, but whatevs. 'Many thanks Ms. Nova! I always knew you were a bro!'

I can practically feel the AI roll her omniscient eyes at me, but a sparkly rainbow glow covers the house as my new room is built, so I still win this round.

Or so I thought.

{As per your request, your War Room has been built and hidden behind a secret panel. For added safety, your House Blueprints have already been hidden in the War Room Library. Good luck finding your Secret War Room's hidden entrance!}

'Added safety my sweet ass!' I mentally explode. 'It's gonna take forever to find the Hidden Room without the Blueprints!'

A faint maniacal cackle echoes throughout the house as the Sunshine Voice disappears, leaving me gaping like an idiot.

Holy balls in a blender. I just got out-petty-revenged by an AI.

'Touché, Ms. Nova.' I bow my head in acknowledgment of that peak petty move. 

"Okay, what the fuck did you just do?" Nightfury intrudes in his usual gruff way, twitching erratically as he looks every which way for signs of whatever disembodied demon witch just laughed so creepily. "Kissing the air, glowing, bowing, waggling your damn eyebrows at a damn doorknocker—"

"—Just give it to us straight," Nanuk says exasperatedly. "Are we all about to die now because you've somehow pissed off the devs again?"

Taliesin looks thrilled by the idea.

Kara, on the other hand, looks downright terrifying, clearly still pissed about the bullshit Curse nerf I'm under. Those devs better hope they never meet her in a dark alley.

Feigning confusion, I hit Nanuk and Nightfury with my most wide-eyed innocent expression.

It is Decidedly Ineffective.

Nanuk moans in despair while Nightfury growls and bites his Cursed hat.

I let my face morph into my standard smug smirk and shrug, unconcerned. "Eh, it's whatever." 

"THAT IS NOT REASSURING," Nightfury assures me.

"Don't worry about it," I reply, pulling open the heavy front door.

"That is terrifyingly worrying coming from you," Taliesin chirps happily.

Enjoying a bit of a maniacal cackle myself, I cross the threshold and make my way to the stairwell. Time to see if my turret Master Bedroom is as awesome as the pictures promised.

Mindful of the time—or rather, my lack thereof—I swipe open my Battle Rewards window to pass around some goodies. "So anyway, Nanuk, here's that guild token to sell for us while I'm out—"

"—You're just moving on without actually explaining anything?!" Nanuk splutters. 

"—and Kara, since you scored Highest Contribution, here's the rest of the Dungeon Loot," I continue, blithely ignoring Nanuk's meltdown.

Some people are just SO dramatic.

"We should wait for you to wake up to split the loot," Kara predictably protests, but I shake my head and start hustling up the stairs. My neon countdown is ticking dangerously close to Zero.

"Nah, we don't really know how long the system's gonna keep me unconscious, and we have places to be and monsters to slay when I finally rejoin the land of the living. Plus, y'all need to grind for levels and rep while I'm out, and new gear will help you there. Oh, and in case you run into our wayward friends, here's some gear for Lialas and Jade Thorn," I add, materializing the pieces I'd accumulated for them.

"Nothing for Shadeslayer?" Nightfury asks drily, almost managing to keep a straight face as he stores Lialas' equiment.

I snort. "I'm not convinced that boy should be allowed near sharp objects, even in a video game."

Taliesin giggles. "He's the one from your first dungeon run who kept falling on his face and then got eaten by that dragon boss, right?" 

Nightfury and I both sigh.

"Hold up!" Nanuk interrupts in a disbelieving, strangled voice. "You really gave me the guild creation token!"

"Obvs, dude. You're a former guild leader," I remind him. "You know all the other guild leaders. You can squeeze them for the most money. I figure you can auction it for a stupid amount of gold, and hold onto it for a hot minute while the winning guild actually accumulates enough money to pay us."

I hear a small bang as Nanuk crashes into a wall, too busy staring at the token he's just materialized. "How do you know I won't sell it for a million gold and tell you it only went for 20?" he asks.

"I think you underestimate how much money I made today, let alone how much I'll continue making over the next month. I probably wouldn't even care if you did."

Everyone except Taliesin chokes in shock, and in Nightfury's case, rampant jealousy.

Snickering, I push open the ornate wooden door to my turret Master Bedroom and turn to Nanuk. "But also, your kid brother would never let you screw me over, so it's a moot point, my dude."

"Accurate," Taliesin agrees.0

We fist bump, and another sliver of Nanuk's soul dies.

Satisfied, I enter my new bedroom.  It's fucking glorious, but I don't have the time to fully appreciate its glory right now. With seconds left on the clock, I swipe off all my gear and weapons into Storage (yes, including my JUICY boxers because HELL TO THE NO am I gonna let that glitter anywhere near my brand new furniture.)

Studiously ignoring the winking eggplant emoji atrocity formerly known as my dick, I leap onto my feather-soft bed. Sighing contentedly, I burrow under the blankets and silky, cool sheets.

If I'm going to be knocked unconscious against my will, I may as well be comfy.

I poke my head out just far enough to see the hilarious blush on Nightfury's face half-hidden under his hat, and, dare I believe it, a hint of appreciation on Kara's. My intricate wing back tattoos and toned ass may have made an impression.

Suddenly, life's looking pretty up.

"Nighty night, Chaos Friends!"

*Ding!* 

{Aether Alert: For the continued health and safety of Player Erebus, Commence Auto-Log Out. During Forced Rest Period, SIINO Counter-Measures will also be implemented to save Player from needing to be logged out again at a later time. At least one full REM cycle required before Player may log back in to Viren's Refuge.

Begin Diagnostic Scan...

Good night, Player Erebus...}

----------

In the ensuing silence, the remaining members of Chaos Party awkwardly stand around their naked unconscious leader for far too long, each lost in their own versions of worry for their teammate.

Kara's the first to crack. "Forget this. I need out of here. Let's go sow a little chaos, shall we?" 

Taken aback by the predatory gleam in her violet eyes, Nanuk cautiously asks, "What do you mean?"

She spins her spear and grins ferally. "Even if Erebus somehow didn't just piss off the devs this time, that doesn't mean we can't do it for him."

"What the heck, Kara?!" Nanuk chokes. 

Kara glares at Erebus's sleeping form. His face is peaceful now, but she can't stop seeing it as it was half-submerged in the Bog, contorting in pain and despair. "We all know those asshats are the ones responsible for this."

"Do we?"

"Don't pretend not to see this, Nan!" Kara snarls. "How many curses have you seen nerf a player back to Base AGI? What kinda bullshit do the devs think they're pulling?"

"But I don't get why they would," he argues.

Nightfury shrugs. "Because Erebus is a little shit, that's why." 

There is a general consensus that this is true.

Nanuk looks down at the impossible, priceless guild token in his hand and gives in with a sigh. "Fine. You're right. Even if Erebus is a chaos gremlin who lives for the tears of overworked programmers, the devs acted shady as shit. Doesn't mean there's anything we can do about it though."

Kara desperately wants to argue, or maybe just stab something hard enough the devs feel like it through their screens, but it's true. It would take a miracle for them to stumble upon a way to manifest chaos like their insane leader can—

"Sure there is!" Taliesin chirps.

  —Or maybe they just need to remember the mini chaos gremlin also on their team. Kara's adrenaline surges when she recognizes that manic gleam in the young Pu`ca's green eyes.

"Like what?" Nightfury asks warily.

"Easy," Taliesin replies with a grin, plucking the shiny token out of Nanuk's hand and casually flipping it in the air. "What could possibly strike more terror and chaos into the heart of the devs than making Erebus a Guild Leader?"

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