1465: I Love Everything About You but Not You

I Love Everything About You but Not You

"Li Chen, you said… that you love Big Brother Gu only because it was his last wish. So, you took care of me." Yun An took a deep breath. But no one cared for their lover's lover until they shared the same bed.2

He looked at Li Chen. "Do you love me?"

Why did he say that he was only caring for him on behalf of Big Brother Gu?

He did not love him.

But he could see the nostalgia and love in Li Chen. It was not like he said he had no feelings at all. Why did he deny it all? He did not even dare to admit that he loved him.

Li Chen seemed to want to say something but did not. There was pain and silence in his eyes. "Can't you feel if I love you or not?"

"I am asking you a question!" Yun An yelled. "Answer what I asked you!"

It was rare for him to speak so loudly. He did not live inside of Li Chen; he did not know what he was thinking. He was the one who said that he loved Big Brother Gu and was only caring for him.

Caring…

What a form of caring!

"Now, answer me. Do you love me?" Yun An asked.

Is this question so hard to reply to?

Love or not. It was just one word.

Yet, he chose silence.

Li Chen's silence was not because the question was hard to answer but rather because he had lied and done something wrong.

The lies and wrongdoings rolled up like snowballs. They had buried the truth, and the truth was not important anymore. He was most afraid of Yun An's disappointment, yet he still let him down eventually.

"I get it now." Yun An shut his eyes in great agony. He could not look into Li Chen's eyes and tell him that he liked him. Yet, he did not feel good if he did not say it.

He knew very well if he loved him or not.

"When Brother Gu died, I was very miserable. For a period of time, I lived horribly. If it weren't with you, I'd be dead for a long time. After his death, I became a drunkard, and I took drugs. I messed up, and I gave up on myself. For half a year, I lived like a whole mess. I lost my friends, lost my job, and lost everything. No matter where Gu Xingchen and his wife took me to relax, I seemed to be able to see Brother Gu's figure. I told them that I will work hard and live well. Where they can't see me, I would go to drug dealers, and I would get alcohol. I and a group of bad teenagers sniffed drugs in a dim room. I got drunk and dreamed of death. I felt like I was living in mud.

"I promised him that I wouldn't commit suicide, but I can't find a little hope of living. I wondered how long I could stay like this. Half a year, one year, two years? Or ten years? Living was so lonely and cold. I can only feel free when I indulge in drugs and alcohol. I thought that I should be dead in a year's time. Perhaps one day, there would be some news about a young appraiser who died of excessive drug use.

"Without you, I couldn't get out of the mud because you and Brother Gu are so much alike… You are as tall as him; you are as reassuring as him; you like the same scent as him; you have a pair of reassuring eyes like him; you can give me the warmest hug like him. You are even so gentle when you insult me as trash… Li Chen, I treat you as him. In this long, long period of time, I don't love you, but I love your breath, your voice, your eyes, your… hug, but I don't love you."

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